How to work with your inner critic, and befriend your inner voice. | victoria BC boudoir photography

Ah, our inner critic. We all have one – originally our inner critics evolved to protect us an to keep us safe from environmental and social dangers. But now they're kinda just this archaic pain in our asses that makes us feel small and inadequate - and who the hell wants to deal with that.

We can rationalize that our inner critic was originally put in our brains to help steer us clear of danger. However, sometimes our ever vigilant inner critic is doing more harm than good. So, how do we disempower our inner critic?

The first step to resolving negative self talk and knocking that inner critic off their high horse - is understanding WHY it happens, and WHO is doing the talking, and WHERE those thoughts are really stemming from (cause we learned those negative Nancy thoughts from someone). Who is your inner critic, what is their common script, and what response do you get when you hear that voice? It can help some people to actually give their critic a name, identity, character, a voice different from their own. Some examples: the judge, the saboteur, or give it a name (mine’s name is Brad).

Your inner critic has been trained to protect you, but it’s in a very basic way. On the surface it may seem like you are being mean and verbally abusive towards yourself, but underneath your mind is trying to identify what the danger is. How can you get to the safe space? What is it that you ACTUALLY need that is going to make you feel secure?

You may have critical thoughts like: Why am I like this? Why do I always mess up?

So, when you notice those critical thoughts arise you can ask: What is the purpose of these thoughts, what reaction does this bring up for me? Do I feel triggered? Do I feel bad about myself? What is the Judge trying to tell me? What perceived danger does it feel like it needs to protect me from?

When our inner critic, saboteur, or judge starts speaking up, we can begin to disempower it by acknowledging it. When we notice that our critic is paying us a visit, we should stop and say "ah, there goes my inner saboteur today. Thanks for the visit but kindly fuck off!"

If your inner critic doesn’t listen to you when you tell it to kindly pipe down, it might be time to try to listen and befriend the inner voice.

Some psychologists acknowledge that befriend our inner critic can be instrumental in lessening its control over us – and working through the impact its intentions have on us. Think of a situation in which you were in a judging or critical mindset – and reflect on how your inner critic may have been trying to protect you. Use the space below to thank it for trying to keep you safe – let it know that ultimately you are the one in control of whether or not you will listen to its "advice".

This part of yourself always has and always will, deserve to be heard. Have a conversation with them, is what they are saying to you true? Question it. If you were my friend, would you be saying this to me?

Kill it with kindness, soothe the voice and say: “we are not pursuing perfection”. Move from I to WE, the inner critic seems to think you are alone, remember that so many people have experienced what you are, fear or failure, standing out or greatness, someone has experienced this before, you are not alone. You can reach out to community, look up YouTube videos or articles online that can help you work through thoughts that arise with the shared experience.

With continued work and conversations with inner critic, the voice that comes up will start holding less weight for you.

When you feel yourself experiencing harmful thoughts from your inner critic, take a pause to emotionally centre yourself.

Breathe into where you feel tension, soften where you can.

Create a safe space, find your centre, allow yourself to feel grounded, breathe into it.

Imagine/visualize your inner critic, perhaps child-like, tired, irritable, angry, and doing the best they can with what they know.

Huge them, forgive them. They’re just trying to protect you.

Let them know it’s okay, the protector can stand down now because you got this.

When we can work together with our inner critic and identify what our needs are, that there is no danger in what we are about to experience, and that we are capable of so much more, incredible shifts can happen.

Through this practice we can start changing the narrative of our inner critic and even create an inner cheerleader instead, using the moments of pause and reflect to allow us to be here now, in the present moment, preparing and encouraging us for our best next step.